Wow, where do I start?
After I had spent the weekend at my mum’s Moa came to my apartment. We kinda had to talk out about things. For the past 10 weeks I have noticed that she seemed more distant, she did too but didn’t know why. So we talked for a while about how both of us felt, and I said that her distans and lost of lust and such might be because she had lost her feelings for me. She said that she might have realised it but had denied it to herself, because it all felt so wrong. We talked, we cried, we hugged. We were up so long that night and talked and cried a whole lot. We skipped school the next day because we were too tired and messed up.
After Moa had left on Monday I just didn’t know what to do with myself, I cried and I couldn’t really explain the feeling I had. It was all just so surreal, I mean these things happen, but it felt like it wouldn’t happen to us. Like we were different, immune.
We didn’t have any school on Tuesday and Moa asked me to come over to her’s that evening, so we could sort everything out. We did. We decided that we can’t still be in a relationship if only one of us felt something. Decided sounds so weird because it wasn’t like that at all. I never wanted that. And neither did she. She felt as though she just threw everything we had away, that everything was her fault and that she had been a swine to me the last weeks. So we didn’t decide it, it was decided for us. We stayed up that night too, cried. I couldn’t sleep even though I was emotionally and physically exhausted. So we skipped school the next day too.
This feeling was just the worst. The days after both those nights Moa said to me that it didn’t feel as though the talks never had happened and it felt normal now. I guess it was pretty normal, but I had to remind myself all the time that she didn’t love me anymore, she didn’t desire me anymore and we wouldn’t start our new life together after graduation as I had thought. The feeling that something was wrong with me was overwhelming. If I just hadn’t been depressed, if I had been less nerdy and more social. If I just had important and interesting things to say, if I was funny or prettier. Maybe she would still feel things for me. She told me that I shouldn’t beat myself up, because it wasn’t true and it was nothing I did, just that her feelings faded. My mum told me that I couldn’t think those things either. But you know what, it fucking hard not to! I mean, I know I’m not the most social or interesting human being and I’m not the prettiest or the sexiest either, so it’s quite easy to blame myself.
We’re still friends and all, we’re still close. But I’m still sad about it, and sometimes everything just hurts so damn much.
I just need to figure out what I’ll do with my life now, and it’s fucking hard.