Body fixation and self hatred

It isn’t a secret that I have some hatred against myself and my body. I guess most of it is because I feel I can’t live up to the standards the society is pushing down our throats in form of advertisement and all that. Women’s clothing don’t appeal to me as much as it does to other girls my age. And because of my small size most things won’t look good on me. And I do adore menswear, and therefore I mostly crossdress. But this causes me to hate myself as well, because I’m so different from everyone else. I can see how people are looking at me, how they mock me behind my back. I’m just a fucking freak, and I get the feeling I want to wear women’s clothing all the time, but that’s not me.

(The truth is that I would probably wear more girly clothes, especially underwear, if I just didn’t have boobs like a fucking 12 year old.)

The fact that I am a lesbian don’t make it any easier. I fucking hate myself for being such a “boyish lesbian”. I’m just letting myself be a stereotype of a non-femme lesbian. Everyone expects a lesbian couple to be one part girly and the other “boyish”, and that’s how mine and Moa’s relationship looks like to people who don’t know us. The truth is that my clothing choice has NOTHING to do with my sexuality. I dressed this way when I thought I was interested in boys too (and they liked me that way).

Anyway, people constantly remind me of how thin/short/tiny/flat I am. Not only that, but they repeatedly tell me I’m TOO THIN or TOO SMALL or TOO WEAK. Everyone keeps obsessing about my weight and what/how much I eat. Yes, I am underweight (shifting between 42 and 44kg. I’m short though 162cm), but it’s not because I’m starving myself, not at all. I eat a lot, and I eat junk food, candy, soda, crisps, all that shit, I just don’t gain weight. I guess that sounds like a dream for most, but it really isn’t like that. I really want to donate blood, but I can’t because I have to weigh 50kg to do that.

What I keep thinking about is that everyone keeps telling me not to be so harsh on myself and not to say mean things about my own body. But they do, and that’s okay? If they say my body is scaringly thin, of course I’ll be hurt because that’s not really a nice thing to say! So why does it matter if I hate on my body, when they constantly keep telling me I’m not good enough?

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3 thoughts on “Body fixation and self hatred”

  1. You can take my curves any day. It’s not like they’re going anywhere anyway. -.-
    Never thought I’m gonna live to see the day a skinny girl hate her own body but I guess we all have different ideals and wishes. I understand how many clothes look weird on a petite frame but honey, you don’t wanna be on the other side, where everything peaks out everywhere, where there are no clothes left on sales, where every good thing looks weird on you and despite being perfect you have to let it go…
    I think the problem is we’re never satisfied no matter what kind of body we have. And because of the pressure from our surroundings.
    But if you want more curves, there are plenty work out sessions to boost your chest and butt, you can find them on YT easily. 😉

    1. It’s not only that I’m skinny, it’s that people keeps telling me like I don’t already know it. Yes, I know that can be a bitch. My mum is oversized so she always tries to put me in those pretty dresses she would love to wear if she was my size.
      I know it not a “bad” thing to be thin, but I can’t even feel like a woman ‘cus bras don’t really fit me. And it just sucks, because that’s the most female characteristic. I don’t want like DDs, but I would like to wear a nice looking bra without fucking Hello Kitty on it! (My butt is already way too big 😉 haha..)

      And yes, the standards has destroyed us all. Same with straight/curly hair, no one is satisfied with their own.

      1. Yeah people are good at pointing out shit we already know like we’ve never noticed it before. Okay, some people do look like they don’t own a mirror but still.
        I don’t think a girl needs to wear dresses to be girly, far from it, but there are tricks. 😉 If you wanna look slimmer, wear black and vertical stripes, so for you, maybe try the other way around 😀 Dunno, Google it. Your boobs can totally look bigger with wild patterns on shirts like retro flowers or geometric stuff. 😉 And those things are really in right now 😀 As for bras, yes, a D would be a curse, I never want a rack that’s gonna tip me over and broke my nose, but being flat as a board probably sucks as well. Like I said, some workouts can totally help gain so muscle 😉

        Also, previous comment: *peek (:X)

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