It isn’t a secret that I have some hatred against myself and my body. I guess most of it is because I feel I can’t live up to the standards the society is pushing down our throats in form of advertisement and all that. Women’s clothing don’t appeal to me as much as it does to other girls my age. And because of my small size most things won’t look good on me. And I do adore menswear, and therefore I mostly crossdress. But this causes me to hate myself as well, because I’m so different from everyone else. I can see how people are looking at me, how they mock me behind my back. I’m just a fucking freak, and I get the feeling I want to wear women’s clothing all the time, but that’s not me.
(The truth is that I would probably wear more girly clothes, especially underwear, if I just didn’t have boobs like a fucking 12 year old.)
The fact that I am a lesbian don’t make it any easier. I fucking hate myself for being such a “boyish lesbian”. I’m just letting myself be a stereotype of a non-femme lesbian. Everyone expects a lesbian couple to be one part girly and the other “boyish”, and that’s how mine and Moa’s relationship looks like to people who don’t know us. The truth is that my clothing choice has NOTHING to do with my sexuality. I dressed this way when I thought I was interested in boys too (and they liked me that way).
Anyway, people constantly remind me of how thin/short/tiny/flat I am. Not only that, but they repeatedly tell me I’m TOO THIN or TOO SMALL or TOO WEAK. Everyone keeps obsessing about my weight and what/how much I eat. Yes, I am underweight (shifting between 42 and 44kg. I’m short though 162cm), but it’s not because I’m starving myself, not at all. I eat a lot, and I eat junk food, candy, soda, crisps, all that shit, I just don’t gain weight. I guess that sounds like a dream for most, but it really isn’t like that. I really want to donate blood, but I can’t because I have to weigh 50kg to do that.
What I keep thinking about is that everyone keeps telling me not to be so harsh on myself and not to say mean things about my own body. But they do, and that’s okay? If they say my body is scaringly thin, of course I’ll be hurt because that’s not really a nice thing to say! So why does it matter if I hate on my body, when they constantly keep telling me I’m not good enough?